Monday, November 09, 2009

Getting dark early

I'm kind of done apologizing for not blogging, it gets old and I guess technically, I'm not "sorry," just busy or bored with it or.....something else. Of late, it's been the latter. I have serious issues surrounding my mood.

I just started writing like, 3 paragraphs worth of info (too much info) on that last statement and just don't feel comfortable putting it out there. I'll summarize and say "I'm on the downward slope of a funk." Much better. See, I need to finish this freeking thesis and I simply cannot get into it. It's on Hal Ashby who is one of my top 3 favorite directors and it's a mere 30 pages. I do it, I get my MA and can move forward with myself. But see, I can't get around to writing it and it's incredibly frustrating.

It's frustrating because it's an easy task. Hell, between movie reviews and comments on other peoples blogs and instant messaging, etc., I easily cover 30 pages in a week. But, my stupid mind knows that if I finish this thesis, I'll have no excuses to start other projects or really pursue a teaching job. It's all a clever, yet mean trick my brain plays on me when it comes to doing work. Even writing that is frustrating because it shows I am actually in control of my brain and mood and can see what's happening and am still kind of unable to correct it. Here's the breakdown...

I am not allowing myself to edit footage for a behind-the-scenes thing I shot for the movie I co-produced this summer until I finish my thesis.

I am not allowing myself to write out grant requests for FREE MONEY for a feature length doc I started shooting this summer until I finish my thesis.

I am not allowing myself to log footage from the feature doc I started shooting this summer until I finish my thesis.

I am not allowing myself to start a new screenplay that's basically written in my head until I finish my thesis.

I feel really creatively backed up because I'm not allowing myself creative outlets (I LOVE editing and logging and writing too...which is another annoying habit I have) until I finish my thesis.

So, as you can see...if I would just buckle down and finish my thesis, I could do some things I really, really want to do and that will make me happy and move me forward as a filmmaker. But if I finish my thesis, my secret mind knows that I'll have no excuse for not doing those other things. It's a vicious circle and one that ends up with me beating myself up mentally to the point of dark depression which is kind of the space I'm in of late.

Hopefully blogging here will chip away at my listlessness and help me get my ass in gear.

Thanks for listening!