Saturday, March 29, 2008

Unsafe adventures.

So, last night I was hanging out at home, drinking beer and playing ROCK BAND all by my lonesome. My wife and child were at her moms so it was just me and the dog. At about 9:00, I made the decision to get out of the house and see one of my favorite local bands, HugeLarge. They were playing downtown at this great new pub called Toad in the Hole which is maybe 4 miles from my house. It was kinda rainy so walking was out and I never drive if I've been drinking. So, I called a cab. I hung up from them at 9:05 and they said it would be 15 minutes. Half an hour later, my sweet ride showed up.

I jumped in and immediately noticed the driver had a co-pilot and I assumed it was his son. The person in the passenger seat looked small and was wearing a ball cap over their eyes. I say "take me to Toad in the Hole" and as we pull away, the passenger turns around and I'm greeted by a chick with some serious meeth. Meeth are the hi-larious catch phrase for meth head teeth. Meth+teeth=meeth. Anywho, she seemed nice enough and off we went. My driver was really funny and boisterous and his voice sounded exactly like Seth Rogen's which I found especially funny as I saw HORTON HEARS A WHO Thursday and Rogen voices the mouse. So I was laughing on the inside and enjoying the ride. Then I realized, we were basically circling my block. After we passed my house for the second time and continued on in the wrong direction I said, "dude. Where are you going?" The chick started laughing and then he did too. "I dunno man...I got turned around." I said, "I'm not really drunk yet so if you're trying to bump the fare by going the long way...." He cut me off.

"No dude, no...nothing like that." Then the girl started cackling and grabbed his arm. "Dude," he says. "I'm a caregiver during the day for a neighbor who has cancer and when I was over at his house around 6, I accidentally ate one of his pot cookies." Uhhhh. Yeah. Actually, what the cabbie said was "I accidentally took a bite of a pot cookie and it's got me totally messed up. I took a nap afterwards and woke up like, an hour ago and couldn't figure out where I was. Then the company called me and told me to get downtown to work so here I am."

I said, "so wait, you took a bite of a pot cookie, it jacked you all up and now you're my sober ride?" More cackling from Methy McMeth Head. "Well, dude," Taxi Seth Rogen says, "It was actually a hash cookie and I haven't smoked pot or anything like that in 10 years so it really did a number on me." He then (and I'm not kidding) ran a red light. Fuck. "What do I do here?" I'm thinking. It's too far to get out and walk in either direction (home or to the pub) and we're driving slowly and I'm seat belted. "Don't worry Freddy, I'll help you" said the meth head. "Fuck," I said.

So I decide to just shut up and close my eyes and hope for the best. He didn't *really* seem wasted, just not at the top of his game. Then the cabbie and the methy started talking about how they first met and she said it was when her boyfriend stole the cabbie's roommates credit card and they laughed and I wondered, how do things like this always happen to me? I swear, the strangest stuff happens only to me and although I kind of love it, it is rather shocking how often it happens. Anyway...

I then started mulling this whole story over in my head. For one, no one ever takes "a bite" of a cookie unless they're an 8 year old or unless it's a really huge cookie. Normally, you just eat the whole thing. Second, isn't it rather rude to go to your cancer stricken friends house and raid his cookies? Then I started thinking, if the dude has cancer and has some cookies...I mean, we live in California. I would automatically assume they were pot cookies, or at least ask first. And then lastly I wondered how and why this chick was even in the cab at all.

I just tried to put it all out of my mind and relax and sure enough, soon we made it to the destination and the cabbie said, "dude, I'm really sorry about that....I'll knock 1/2 off your fare." Sweet! So I started to get out and he gave me his card. "When you're ready to go home, gimmie a call." Then the methy said, "Hey man, be careful...don't drink too much." I had about 1000 retorts in my mind (like, "hey, I won't, don't snort too much meth!" or also, "hey, thanks...try not to lose any more teeth tonight!") that made their way to my lips before I decided to just walk away.

HugeLarge was amazing as always and after their set, I walked over to Russian River Brewing. About 1/4 of the way there, I pulled a muscle in my calf and started limping badly. Then these 2 guys started walking in front of me and talking about a drug deal they were going to make in an hour. One of them had 1/2 a pound of weed on him and some E, he said. I kept limping along and finally said, "guys, you know I can hear you, right?" They just laughed. When I decided to call a cab to go home (about 15 minutes later) I did not call the cabbie from earlier or even the same cab company because I know, I KNOW I would have got the same guy.

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